A rumour s a strange thing. It exists in a netherworld between the fantastical and the unlikely yet has its roots in truth. In the postmodern psychodrama that is modern Britain rumours are hard currency and sometimes even masquerade, sometimes wittingly others not, as news. News of course is supposedly factual and objective which of course it isn't.
RUMOUR 1- Chelsea to buy every single centre forward in Europe.
with drogba absent in the African nations cup chelsea have decided to buy, or at least link, themselves to every centre forward in Christendom, and few in the Islamic world too. This decision will create fierce competition for first team football, especially in pagan overlord Drogba's few weeks' hiatus from the premiership. "In my country" says Roman Abramovic "monopolies are practically an historical necessity. So if we can't have them [all the centre forwards in europe] I can't see why anyone else should either."
Rumour 2 Allardyce to be given a game by game contract
"while we are all, board, players, fans, and ex-players who wield ungodly influence on the fate of this team, fiercely supportive of our once succesful and determined manager we have decided to formalise the unfolding narrative of this season in the form of a contract. If Big Sam, as some refer to him (his wife maybe?), loses two games on the trot he will be sacked. Then poisoned. Then stabbed. Then shot. Then wrapped in barbed wire and dropped into the Tyne. Even if he did once cure the Prince Regent's bad blood and led Bolton into European competition. this means nothing to us. we want attacking football. Bring back Faustino Asprilla. The club are also drafting in a rabid violent humanoid (sapien-sapien) with low IQ bred in a social housing experiment run by the Umbrella corporation as a replacement for Joey Barton."
Rumour 3- Wenger to model for AXM
Eloquent yet skinny french Buddhists are in. So in recognition of this Arsene Wenger will pose in tight white pants for gay style mag AXM. He will be joined on the shoot by a hareem of nubile young African boys in prepubescent sized sackcloths and they will writhe around him servile angst while impersonating Thierry Henry in the va-va-voom advert.
Rumour 4 Cristian Ronaldo to Join Grampus 8 for 100 million pounds in the second half of 2011.
Rumour 5- Defoe and Saha are swapped by Man Utd and Tottenham
Rumour 6- New work for Laurie Sanchez
Laurie Sanchez, recently sacked by Fulham, proving that there is nothing like the premiership to ruin a good reputation garnered at High Wycombe and Northern Ireland, will join a troupe of travelling eastend music hall performers that relive that wartime spirit and remember Brick Lane before the Vibe Bar.
More than this I cannot possibly say.
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3 comments:
Welcome to the Rumour Anti-appreciation Society, chris c paul!
I wrote a lengthy article about this over at SPAOTP.com a long while ago where I vented my spleen about the torrent of rumours that are constantly invented these days.
Mice to know you share my feelings on the subject!
The rumours are where football blends perfectly into Smash Hits.
Let's rename the clubs and call them all simply numbers and make everybody have their hair done the same way.
Bored of all this contrived difference, give me mindless uniformed automatons... now!
Also, please write about Newcastle. I hate them and I hate their manager and they are the England Team of the Premier League, the perennial big club that have won nothing forever, but sack each manager after 10 seconds in the ongoing quest for a success that cannot be attained in the face of such short-termism. And their fans lap this up! making them certainly the biggest mugs in UK sport.
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