Friday, 26 September 2008

For Sale: Mike Ashley Voodoo Dolls

Tense nervous headaches? Worried about the Newcastle chairman's tactics? Worried the team will slip the way of Sheffield Wednesday or Leeds?

Then never fear! Find solace in superstition and magic! Buy these Mike Ashley likeness voodoo dolls- complete with sharp pointy pins and other stuff. Buy this avatar for malcontent. Do your bit to ensure Newcastle's future is as glorious as its past. It is not as if you can do anything else.

Football Overdose's advice for Mike Ashley: If David O Leary appears to be the footballing answer then you are asking the wrong footballing question.

Unfortunately for Newcastle Fans Mr reliable, Alan Curbishely, a specialist in mid-table obscurity- something Newcastle would surely settle on giving on how it is looking for them now- has ruled himself out of the running...

The ideal situation would be for the mostly uninspiring mob that are the Newcastle players to somehow start playing like a team without the use of a coach- thereby providing an example to all of us that leaders are not as necessary as we think.

I shan't be holding my breath for that one.

Friday, 19 September 2008

If football was the economy part 1234#

After weeks of uncertainty the premier league is set to survive after the collapse of Chelsea prompted speculation that the premier league would fall into the vacuum of its own arse thereby denying the world of football. The government has agreed to give the remaining clubs billions of $ of tax revenue, with no need to pay it back, in order to ensure that there will be football tomorrow.

Investment in football leapt at the news and fans are said to be "relieved" that their clubs would be around this time next week, and their season tickets still valid.

Government sources said "the prospect of losing the world's biggest clubs would leave the entire future of football in jeopardy. And the world without football is unthinkable." The poor would be left without entertainment, and the rich without tools for staying rich.

Whether this government intervention is enough to save faith in football in the long run remains to be seen. One fan, wailing in the desert, said "the government never intervene in anything usually. They say to do so would interfere in the Darwinian style evolution of the 'free-market'. They say there is no money. They refuse to stump up the cash. When they intervene now it seems to prove nothing more than the inevitable necessity of nepotism."

Either way it seems that after years of Republican rule in the US the global economy starts going backwards. This time the ruling administration will donate billions of pounds to the world's richest companies in order to help them preserve their self fulfilling status as the world's richest companies. For this we are supposed to be grateful, for the crumbs that intermittently fall from their table.

This is our world and this is our history. It is a monkeyfucked fallacy. Football Is Not My God.

Thursday, 11 September 2008

They say a week is a long time in politics.

90 mins is a long time in football. In the course of one single match england have gone from sulky underacheiving millionaire no-trys to world beaters once more. 4-1 against Croatia, heady days.

A relieved Capello has urged calm, it is after all just one result. The media exalt baby faced assasin II Theo Walcott. Still not quite ready for regular first team action at Arsenal- scoring hat-tricks for England against much fancied opposition.

Future headlines about this player could be:

Theo and Only
Simply Theo Best
We Adore Theodore
These Boots will Walcott Over You
Walc This Way
Theo Walcs the Walc

In just a few more fine performances Walcott will have to become Walcs. This way the puns will become endless.

Meanwhile Wales, dear Wales, have forgotten how to take penalties. Two penalty misses in two games. Lads, lads- just smash it towards the corner, that way even if the keeper guesses right he still can't save it. Practice doing this. Despite the miss Wales were unlucky to lose in Russia.

Scotland meanwhile beat Iceland- which they should have done anyway.

In the ex Pale territory Northern Ireland got a good draw against the Czechs.

Gordon Brown wittered on about the football in his press conference today. Unable to answer a question on Angola but full of praise for 'Walcs'. Just what we need from a PM.

Tuesday, 2 September 2008

And now Kevin Keegan is quitting


I haven't read the full story yet but I am guessing he will say, in his post-quit press conference "I'm not a quitter, and I love this club, it is a BIG CLUB, and one of the best in the world. My heart is with Newcastle. But I honestly think I have taken the club as far as I can. Someone better than me needs to take over this club, in order to take it where is deserves to be." He'll then prattle on and the words BIG CLUB will contiue to trip out of his gob, every other sentence, or more.

Dennis Wise, who reportedly turned down the chance to co-star in the latest Guy Richie film, is tipped to take over.

Keegan's record as manager

Newcastle- Quit
Fulham- Quit
England- Quit
Man City- Quit
Newcastle- Quit (again)

Never has anyone been more skilled in the art of making an exit.

Football Overdose is sad to see him go. Together with Schteve Mclaren he is easy target numero uno.

Transfer Deadline Shocks

Kuwaiti House Of Sabah buy Stoke City!

Potter's fans "stunned" and "delighted" at audacious last minute £500 million purchases of Messi, Ronaldinho, Arshavin, and, weirdly, Robert Earnshaw.

Man City's surprise purchase by the Abu Dhabi group also raised a few eyebrows. As did their signing of Robinho for £30 million+. Chelsea's Roman Abramovic is said to be so disappointed at the news, having tried himself to sign Robinho for several fruitless months, he called a disgruntled Peter Kenyon in for an emergency debriefing in his underwater bunker in the Baltic Sea. His finger allegedly hovering over the Pirhanna Pool Trapdoor.

Finally,Islom Karimov the brutal Central Asian Dictator has announced he is retiring from politics and acid bathing his opponents and plans instead to buy out Bill Kenright, the cheerful Evertonian theatre empressario. The blue side of merseyside are said to be "dead chuffed like", as his laundered billions will bolster a team who only just managed to sign a crocked Saha and some Belgian who impressed in one game against Liverpool as the transfer window thankfully slammed shut and became airtight for another few months.

Can you spot the lies from the reality???!!!