Friday, 21 December 2007

To all my readers....

may you have lovely christmasses, and new years, if indeed you follow these traditions...

hope your teams wins, and I'll be back to update here once the hurly burly's done- whenever that is...

felices navidades!!

Thursday, 20 December 2007

Johnny Evans arrested for rape at the Man Utd

christmas piss up. During questioning with police Johnny allegedly commented.
"I can't remember raping her ." Before adding "I was pissed."

When asked whether they were either witnesses or could provide an albeit other Manchester players present said "I can't really remember. I saw him talking to her earlier in the evening but after that it all gets a bit hazy. Sorry, but I was a bit pissed."

"Was thing is certain." Johnny told our reporter. "I definitely wouldn't have done it if I'd been sober. I'm no rapist like."

The case continues.

Wednesday, 19 December 2007

an important question

Has David Gold, esteemed chairman of Birmingham FC, the Sunday Sport, and Ann Summers, cloned his own cock?

with all the talk of failed take overs at B'ham it is easy to overlook such important matters.

Also has David Gold's wife Jacqueline (pictured) double penetrated herself with the aforementioned clone of David Gold's cock?
Or do they own cloned cocks from any current B'ham players. forsell's fossil, for example.
The mind boggles. I wish it didn't.
check out david's 'rags to riches' story here . He started his fortune selling buttons in his front room. This was shortly before he realised that there was more money to made taking photos of tits and putting them on every page of a tabloid newspaper. Buttons or tits? Tricky.
Nowadays David spends his working hours between tits, sex toys and lingerie, and football. A combination that captains of industry in days gone by, Wedgewood and Arkright for example, wish had occurred to them.

Monday, 17 December 2007

Capello it is then.

And the BBC are already leading pieces about him to the music from The Godfather. How long till we have Sopranos Style Special on Football Focus then? With him and his exclusively Italian backroom team, as it is referred to, all sitting round the table eating pasta, fucking off, forgetabouting it.

Silliness aside I do have one reason to harp on about the lack of an englishman in the coaching set up. This is that Capello, as great a coach as he is, and may be, will only ever have an eye on short term objectives as this is how he will be judged (and ultimately determine how much he is payed). So his interests in producing national youth coaching programmes, or a footballers finishing schools, of the sort that any "root and branch" examination would produce, would seem fairly limited. Why should he care about the national game in ten years time? Chances are he will be long gone by then, having spectacularly failed or delivered. Unless the implementation of any long term schemes is demonstrably in the short term interests the chances of any manager, judged on short term achievements, starting them are next to zero.

This is of course why Trevor Brooking has his job in the FA. To look after stuff like this. I imagine though, unless the national coach is behind you, using all the machinery of that office, starting long term schemes of the sort suggested is difficult. Not in the least because they tend to be pricey. And long term investments with little or no return are risky and traditionally avoided by money men. Better invest 6 million on someone that can be fired tomorrow, than 20 million on a project that will fester on even if it fails. And will cost you more even if it proves successful.

So, for now england have Capello, the 'authoritative godfather of Italian football', and his team of what the media will no doubt dub in time as back office 'hit men'. Long live the unstoppable cliche machine. Long may they prosper. Hark the Herald Angels Sing.

Not so interesting fact: Capello in Italian means hat.

Friday, 14 December 2007

"we have the technology

so why not use it." amazingly this was not said by [insert name of any football pundit] but by Winston Churchill. And he was not talking about video refereeing at the time either, rather using the then newly developed chemical weapons against the Arabs who were uprising in the middle east and making life difficult for the West. You see, technology is not always a good thing. It depends on the integrity of those who use it. Which brings me to the use of video technology in football. Presumably referees, whose decisions are questioned, and every mistake scrutinised, are reluctant to handover their authority to 'technology', or to put it more accurately, a third official who would have access to video technology. They argue it would slow the flow of the game, and undermine the authority they do have with the players. firstly, the flow of the game is interrupted anyway when players huddle around the ref, and try to bad mouth him into a favourable call. Secondly, why would asking for definitive evidence diminish, rather than increase, players respect for the ref? Surely calls for certainty and clarity, and the notion of proof, work to calm inquietude.

for example, a ball is cleared off/just over the line. The attacking players celebrate, the defenders appeal. The ref looks at the linesman. The linesman looks at the ref. And it appears that both were obscured or blinked at the crucial moment. A referral to a third official at this point would please everybody. As well as lead to a great moment of drama. Sure, there are a few technicalities to sort out- but the principle seems sound enough.

Also, following on from this, I'd also oblige referees to face the media after a match. And explain their thinking around key decisions. If for nothing else than to see Mark Clattenburg sweat a bit.

Basically more transparency in the refereeing system leads to more confidence from the players, more confidence from the fans, and this, ultimately, makes life better for the referees, and for the game.

Wednesday, 12 December 2007

the arch-angel beckham davidino, wow

a beautiful picture. Even though it won't get me wearing designer white brief pants. Let me explain. I don't spend too much money on things like underwear and I imagine Armani won't come cheap. Briefs are uncomfortable. I feel all sweaty and achy after an hour or two stiched into them. Also, white is just not practical.

Culturally this is quite an intersting image. Not so much in itself- it is just a bloke in well fitted underwear. But that it made the front page of The Sun, with the headline SwollenBalls. This is the first time in my memory that a semi naked man has been on the front cover of a tabloid, as far as I remember. Admittedly though I am not a regular reader of the tabloids so I could well be wrong. It all goes to show the increase in the cult of male beauty.

A little bit on the semanology (or should that be semenology) of white underwear too. White makes us look pure and divine at the same time. So basically it makes you gives off a classical virginal aura, which works against the carnal temptation of the flesh. A saucy juxtaposition. But this kind of unbridled encouragement of male lust is quite a new thing in dominant popular culture. It is usually pushed back in an effort to repress homosexuality, and keep women in their place. Heterosexuality is widely applauded though, and jeered on with photos of nude women at all angles. And as feminists have been saying for years it encourages the objectification and commodification of the body. As this trend develops expect more young men to have surgery and take steroids.

I'm not going to pontificate further on this. As I don't really care. Also because, as I read somewhere else, media analysis is the most pointless passtime in the world, save knitting.
Meanwhile, thanks to throughball for this, buy some of Beckham's half eaten food.

Tuesday, 11 December 2007

Imagine the scenario

It is the next world cup and after a good qualifying campaign England are unlucky to be drawn against Italy in the first round group stage. New coach Capello, who was initially supported by both press and public after some encouraging and sensible displays, is suspected of divided loyalties. He denies this but unfortunately, after an unexpected draw against, dunno, Nigeria, England need at least to draw against Italy in order to qualify for the knockouts. England produce a typically lacklustre performance and an in form Italy win. There is post match suspicion and dissatisfaction with the team selection. Capello cannot see off the accusations of conflict of interest, or even match fixing in some quarters. The public turn against him. the Sun turns his face into a Pizza. The Star accuse him of WW2 style betrayal... the FA are forced into a making a popular decision. ... "say what you want about mclaren" people will say. "but at least he was one of our own."

Now repeat the scenario for Lippi. Magnify the loathing by ten with Klinsmann who is transformed into a plate of saurkraut. Or airbrushed into leiderhosen.

What odds Martin O Neill now then? Or even Alan Curbishley... ?

Interestingly Mourinho's arrogance, self confidence, and familiarity seemed to lift him above silly hypotheticals like this- and he wanted to appoint an English assistant, unlike Capello.

Monday, 10 December 2007

chant of the week

#they're going to fuck you in the showers# villa fans to harry redknapp.

In fact any chant that mentions bumfuckery- the act that dare not speaks its name, is value. I remember #posh spice takes it up the arse# being dished out to the tune of bread of heaven anywhere beckham played. I wonder if US Soccer fans sing anything similar?

Meanwhile Sam Allardyce must be a happy man right now. and not since the heights of the blairbrown feud has the nation been so gripped with a power struggle. Can't see Allardyce offering to resign before the end of next season to see off criticisms though. Or leading us into war on the back of a pack of lies. Neither can I see Shearer trying to justify imprisoning people without charge for almost three months. Although I think he might play up his Britishness like Brown does. There however, the non existent similarities end.

Thursday, 6 December 2007

Everton won

A scrappy goal from Cahill (again) saw off the russian champions Zenit St Petersburg. Elsewhere in the Also Ran's Cup Carpathia Dynjastic Molotov drew 0-0 with Thesalonika Majorettes somewhere in Eastern Europe.

Well done Everton, a long cup run is long overdue.

Meanwhile, in the premiership Newcastle staved of the mispalced sacking of Sam Allardyce with a 1-1 draw with Arsenal. Perhaps he will eventually see off the naysayers and prove that there is life away from Bolton for his formula of 'don't give an inch, don't do nothing complicated' style football. The result induced a howl of machiavelian rage from Alan Shearer as he drunk until late in the bar that bears his own name.

Wednesday, 5 December 2007

Prince Harry's Cock

my last three posts have mentioned quantum mechanics, statistics, and circular wave theory algebra. Or something like that. Heady stuff for a football blog. I think I might be in danger of isolating my audience, especially since Jason has been on holiday and not visited as much.

Therefore time for something viceral. Upandcoming premiership star Ashley Young has videoed himself wanking then sent the said video to a beauty technician (what is the difference betwen a beauty technician and beauty therapist!?) he had just met online. Silly boy! Said beautician then cashed in and sold the story, and some pics, to the tabloids, who, as ever, only ever publish stories that are demonstrably in the public interest.

It is not all bad for Young. She described his cock as "like a baby's arm clenching an apple". So while his reputation for sexual propierty is in tatters his manhood is now perceived in high national esteem.

This is part of a great tradition in professional football sex scandals. My theory is that since these young men cannot indulge in the normal UK passtimes of getting leathered, battered, and sticking drugs down the neck, like any healthy 20something would do, they revert instead to wild casual sex, of the sort that leaves most regular tabloid readers frothing in morally indignant jealous frustration. Therefore giving us all lots to laugh at while selling more newspapers. Nothing makes Rebekah Wade happier than a footballing sex scandal, apart from, of course, a royal sex scandal. Which brings me to my spurious post title. Written solely to shock and pull in the curious. Imagine for instance if Prince Harry photoed his cock and sent a picture of it to his hairdresser. That would definitely be news....

Read a fuller article on sistersite sniffing the touchline.... over there>>>>> recomended

Meanwhile I promise not to mention wave consciousness collapse, or the prime number continuum.

Sam Allardyce

has the full support of his players. He also has the support of Arsene Wenger "to turn things around you need time." That's him fucked then. Once you start needing the full support of your players, or other managers, your position is fatally flawed. In fact any statement of support is really an attack. As to offer support is to recognise weakness and nobody likes to be led by the weak.
It is the same in politics. "the deputy prime minister has my full support" really means "the deputy prime minister needs my support" ergo "I will fire the deputy prime minister soon".
Like this just drawing the attention to something, putting it under scrutiny, forces that which should be free in flux, into consequence.

This post has nothing to do with either football or quantum mechanics, however much I try, does it?

Tuesday, 4 December 2007

Best Travelling Fans

anyone can tell you that Man City have the most fortress like stats this season- this is no small part no doubt due to their fans. Well done fans. But which team has the best travelling support?

Now to work this out it is no good looking just the number of away wins- as this only favours the top 4 who traditionally win more games away. But instead to look at the number of games won away while lost at home. Like away away difference if you like. On this basis Portsmouth enjoy the best travelling support.

This has a flip side- Pompey may have the best travelling support but oddly following this pattern they have the worst worst home support too- as Portsmouth have won more games away than at home this season. How can this be?

All goes to prove that making judgments based on the strength of statistics is a risky business. Lies, damn lies and all that.

Monday, 3 December 2007

good article here

the inside track (or at least a good spectator seat) on football corruption.

Euro Draw

the euro championship was drawn at the weekend.

First an explanation of the maths system used to choose the groups.


x^2 + 2xycos(2pi/n) + y^2 = 1 1 / 2pi/n \ --- ( 1 + ----------- ) n \ sin(2pi/n) /
f(x1,x2,..,xN) = PROD (xi + xj) i<>j N[k+1] N[k] 1 N[k] d[k] - D[k] ------ = ---- - ---- = ---------------- D[k+1] D[k] d[k] D[k] d[k] x(u) = - -- / 1 - ( ----------------- ) 2u / \ u sin(u) + cos(u) / _ _ 1 1 y(u) = -- ----------------- - cos(u) 2u _ u sin(u) + cos(u) _

Simple. No?

Or to put it another way

Group C- Italy, France, Romania, Netherlands.

newcastle shennanigans

Something is rotten in Denmark. Or, more accurately, in Newcastle.

1) Racist axe murderer's brother, and 10 man brawler, Joey Barton says the Toon Army intimidate him.

not sure about that one. ...

2) Mike Ashley is apparently losing patience with Sam Allardyce. As, apparently, are some of the players.

Or put another way- a group of players, who have never won anything, are bitching about a manager who has never won anything. This is all part of the continued juxtaposition between Newcastle's belief and reputation as that of a big club, and the reality of that they are a club that has not won anything for a very long time indeed

Now, Allardyce may look like shrek's dad but, compared to Sammy Lee and Megson, he looks increasingly like a miracle worker at Bolton. And since his record is at least as good as his predecessors Roeder and Souness surely he should be given a little more time. But with the full PR machinery of management hungry club legend Alan shearer briefing against him I would not fancy his chances to withstand another defeat.

Meanwhile, anyone fancy a pint in Newcastle Legend Shearer's bar?,,10278,00.html