Tuesday, 27 May 2008

Review of the Year

As Christ said. It is finished. Only it is never finished. There are friendly internationals to be played, European championships to be contended, transfer sagas top unfold. But in other respects it is finished. All the domestic titles have been handed out for this year. And Football Overdose is giving out its awards:

Begrudging Award for Best Team- Everyone hates Manchester Utd, but hate them as you might you have to admit that part of this is based on the fact that they are a very good, very successful team. All of us who hoped that the Glazer empire would ruin Old Trafford were sadly mistaken. Utd in short- great keeper, great defence, promising and increasingly accomplished midfield, fantastic attack. While some will cite Ronaldo as the key to their success that is overlooking tat they played pretty damn good in encounters when he didn't feature. So yeah, well done Man U. Fuckers.

Award for Most Vindicated Manager of the Year. this award is shared between two managers- the first being Steve Bruce, who after beg treated harshly by Birmingham City was shipped off to Wigan, or hotfooted it depending on how you look at it. The two teams then swapped places, with relegation threatened Wigan climbing to the lower flights of the midtable, and Birmingham slipping, late in the season, into the bottom three. With accusations of financial impropriety in the air, and soft pornographers at the helm, it looks like a a bad time all round at Birmingham this year. Steve Bruce, on the other hand, can feel smug. Well done Steve Bruce.

Paul Jones also gets this award. Most of us have forgotten that he was once a respected premier league manager doing a reasonable job at perennial relegation flirts Southmapton , but his career never got over the allegations (thrown out of court) of child abuse, and he was effectively sacked so Saints could hire qusi mystic guru Glenn Hoddle Cardiff City reaching the FA Cup final is surely a vindicating moment for this solid and talented coach.

Worst Transfer Of the Year- James Mcfadden , a gifted yet unreliable player, was moaning that he was not getting enough first team action at Everton. Apparently the Toffees were not recognising his talent. So he left. for Birhimingham, flatterd by the attention of Alex Mcleish. He will ply his trade in the Championship next year. Everton will be in UEFA cup.

Most unexpected Sacking Of the Year- take your pick between Mourinho at Chelsea and Erikkson at Man City. If ever there were two coaches whose jobs I thought were safe it was these two. Further proof of football's staus as a fickle mistress.

Biggest Twat of the year- Steve Mclaren

Nearly Man/Men Of the Year- While this could go to the entire Barnsley team it goes to Avram Grant and Chelsea, who so nearly won three titles this year but did not win one. Avram Grant will be back. Everyone wonders who will replace him- choose between Hiddink and Billic at this point.

Manager Of the Year- goes to Harry Redknapp. Pompie won the FA Cup, did well in the prem, and he showed guile in the transfer market- releasing Benyani when they did looks like a stroke of genius. He also had to contend with police allegations just as was getting into the frame for the vacant England Manager job. A special mention goes to Ramos of Spurs, who brought precious silverware and turned round a dreadful start to Spurs' season, and David Moyes, who has produced a threatening and cohesive unit that kicked above its weight to finish 5th.

Comeback of the year- this goes not Kevin Keegan, whose comback to St James Park was as dramatic yet disappointing, but to Fulham and Roy Hogdson. How Fulham avoided relegation is a study in gestalt -being more of the sum of your parts.

Award for the team least likely to win anything award- goes to Derby who were dismally, and consistently, dreadful all season, rarely looking in stride or in their depth.

Mediocrity Award of the season- there are a few contenders for this as no-one really stands out. Bolton deserve it, as do Sunderland. But they err too much on the poor side- so it has to go to West Ham.

Quote of the year- An honourable mention for Rio Ferdinand who hoped to retain his place in the sideboard even if he had to pass the mantlepiece to Steven Gerrard. Unsurprisingly the winning quote comes from Kevin Keegan during a tactics talk to Newcastle "Arsenal are a good passing team, we are just going to have to pass better than them." Tactics indeed.

Best non top 4 player of the year award- I don't know. You tell me who the classiest act was outside of the Big 4.

And that is it. One last thing, football Overdose looks forward to seeing Dean Windass in the premiership again next year.

Thursday, 22 May 2008

Thank fuck that's over.

Way back in the day, when Man U somehow contrived to score not one but two last gasp goals against Bayern Munich there was widespread revellry. Not only had an English team finally won the European Cup again, but we'd beaten the Germans too. A few years later Liverpool somehow overcame a 3-0 half time score to make the comeback of comebacks in possibly the greatest final ever. Even Everton fans were won over by it. Last night's final offered us none of this stirring drama, even if it did manage to be quite exciting none-the-less. Here are the football overdose highlights:

Frank Lampard dedicating another goal to his mother.
Ronaldo tumbling over like an unbalanced chess piece everytime anyone came within tackling distance.
Drogba also tumbling over like an unbalanced chess piece everytime anyone came within tackling distance.
Wayne Rooney, england's great white hope dope, being substituted.
Ronaldo missing a penalty, again.
Hardman John Terry, Chelseaman, missing a penalty and falling over at the same time.
ronaldo sobbing in relief into the turf that his penalty miss wuyld not cost themthe title.
Alex Fergusson's ice cream man suit. Make mine a 99 with hazelnuts and chocolate sauce. (I can't find a pic of this)

But yes, well done Man U, comiserations chelsea and Avram Grant (that will be the last we see of him).

OK- soon to come the fotball oversdose review of the year, and then its the Euros...
Make sure you visit the Onion Bag soon and check out all there Eurotacular material- follow the lnk over there>>>>

Tuesday, 20 May 2008

In preparation for the European Cup final clash

between Man U and Chelsea the Russian government have re-opened the archipelagos. With 50,000 rowdy fans expected to descend upon the Russian capital special security measures have been taken. It is thought that the re-opening of the remote Siberian prison outposts, which do not have Sky TV, or indeed duvets, will be a sufficient deterrent for potential hooligans to stay on the straight and narrow and not fcuk da p'lice. Anyone seen taunting the Russian anti-terrorism enforcement who will be patrolling (most of whom are more familiar with militant checynans than Terry Christian sounding football supporters), pissing in public, or chanting in an unruly manner, will be sent directly to the tundra, and made to mine salt, with just the sexual attention of 'Igor' for entertainment on the long, long, winter nights. After being given a good kick-in.

"We just want them to come and enjoy the game, the vodka, and the women." said a spokesman for Russian tourism. "Minni Driver's character in Goldeneye was not a caricature!" Insulting Russian women everywhere.

Meanwhile Edwin Van De Saar has been commenting on the literal meaning of English words. "When I first that we were to 'clash' with Chelsea I was puzzled." Said the polylinguist. "For me 'clash' is the sound that saucepans make when they are struck together. That this word should have such diverse usage and connotations is indeed an example of the endless curiosity and beauty of the English language."

Also revealed today was the level of debt enjoyed by Chelsea is over 500 million pounds, the majority of which is in the form of a private, interestless debt, to club chairman Roman Abramovic. Nice. This allows Chelsea to operate at a loss. What was not revealed was that Abramovic and his minions could, technically, use this debt 'owed' to them, to secure more debt themselves. And then use this debt to secure more debt, which in turn could be used to secure more debt, and so forth, all underwritten against his vast personal wealth. Amazing. The scale of his empire, and how it could be used, is devastating. I'd love to see Roman Abramovic take the chair on Martin Lewis' money saving show It Pays To Watch. "yes roman, you have millions in the bank, but do you use a cash back credit card? how much do you pay on energy bills? have you thought of swapping energy provider?" To which Roman could reply "when I pay my energy bills I make myself profit!" Dazzling, baffling, and corrupt, all in one go.

Monday, 19 May 2008

Found in a disused barn somewhere in the

Whirral Valley- Cherie Blair's Actual Diaries:

"When I first met Tony we were at a party. I will not tell you whose party, as she does not speak her name. It was the annual festival known as the gathering of the acolytes. I met two men. Denny and Tony. Denny spent the evening drunk, drenched is his own cognac, aftershave, and bluster. Tony was increasingly amorous. We slipped out the back and took the bus home. He whispered to me, "I wish to destroy socialism, are you game love?" and how we cackled. Intoxicated in the banal ambition that shaped us, the post fascist future we imagined after thatcher, seeded in the name of the left, we fucked like hounds all night, he even got stuck in me, I've grinned this way ever since. He made my clit throb like Babylonia, as a multiheaded whore, envisioning the blood caked over his hands, his face, his tongue and teeth, oily blood, a nation in flames, a people in fear, whole towns erased in the lies we could unleash together, hypocrisy and mutilation flavoured. Chuckled on the daily role call as we made millions on the back of secret hedge funds, and played out triumphal hedonism as the property markets supported our horrid boon. We were so sure of ourselves, our gifts and charms. Made real in the dead of an American night, when we gathered to the sound of drums and bleating, and knelt to dumbassed starspangle, lord of the flies, head of goat, cock of horse, tail of a lizard, prehensile proportions, disguised in wide brim suits and body armour. We sucked his cock. He prayed together. We became friends. He offered his assurances. Unleash the inferno on his chosen country, and the good times roll. Sleep on a mattress of vile profits, and the world will blink, then forget, most of them. Never mind the Rubicon, or the infants headless in the Bosporus. It would be Tony and I forever, like a political posh and becks, in the stars, encapsulated in hypnotic lucerferic half light, forever. I am laughing at you all.

She then writes a bit about football.

Friday, 9 May 2008

Keegan in sensible outburst shock:

the footballing world blinked slowly yesterday as Kevin Keegan declared, something along the lines of, "Newcastle have no chance of breaking into the Big 4". A startlingly realistic observation from a most unlikely source that confirmed what every other football fan knew long ago, about the same time as Graeme Souness took the reins. Keegan even broke a lifetime's linguistic habit and instead referred to Newcastle as a "great club" rather than a "big club". Thereby confirming what every football fan knew, well, about 50 years ago. For some reason the media are reporting that club owner Mike Ashley has taken umbrage at Keegan's comments and has summoned him down to London for 'important talks', where, football overdose expects, Keegan will have the strict limits of his transfer budget spelt out to him. Mike Ashley will no doubt be saying something along the lines of "we'll be paying over the odds for mediocrity, like we always have."

In my head the meeting will end with Keegan saying:

"It's going to take time, a whole lot of precious time, it going to take patience and time, to do it right now. It's going to take money, a whole lot of spending money, it's going to take plenty of money, to do it, to do it, to do it, to do it, to do it, to to it right child, I mean Mike."

Tuesday, 6 May 2008

the promotion contenders

I would like to do a thorough in depth proper article about the teams in the play-offs. I can't. I have not the time to research a piece properly. So those of you that like subjective meanderings will be pleased. Anyone here for proper copy on this subject should leave now. Which of the following would Football Overdose like to see gift 6 points to the majority of premiership clubs next season.

Bristol City

Hooray for them. I lived in the West Country for years, my mum works in Bristol, and because of this local connection Football Overdose would love to see them promoted. Also, my sister in law's brother in law's son plays for City. And I like idea of having, very, extended family in the premiership.


Even if Watford are on the tube they aren't a proper London club. But Elton John will be pleased. They are sure to fulfil the same bracket as West Brom, ie- they play good football but don't win enough matches- should they be promoted.

Crystal Palace

Neil Warnock is a good manager. But he is disliked by many. He's never done anything that controversial but seems to get right on everyone's tits.

Palace hope to cement their position as yoyo club par excellence.


God knows. I thought they played rugby league. Is Dean Windass playing for them? Is John Prescott a supporter? Did he ever regurgitate a meat pie at half time? Did the club celebrate promotion in the infamous artalt drinking den Spiders? http://www.arachnophilia.org.uk/

How to describe the last week of the premiership:

The premiership is going all the way to the wire.
Both teams are scrapping all the way.
Neither team is able to land the knock out blow.
Scrambling towards the finish post.
Dragging themselves over the line.
Preparing themselves for one last push.
Last ditch effort.
Salvage pride.
Chase down glory.
Come out on top of the dogfight.
Prove to their supporters that Europe is a genuine possibility next season.
Give their all.
Ensure european football next season.
Secure the elusive 'X' spot.
Reach safety on the final day of the season.
Last gasp
Houdini act
In order to avoid Championship football next season.
Despite midtable security.
All to play for.

Goes fucking on and on.