In preparation for the European Cup final clash

between Man U and Chelsea the Russian government have re-opened the archipelagos. With 50,000 rowdy fans expected to descend upon the Russian capital special security measures have been taken. It is thought that the re-opening of the remote Siberian prison outposts, which do not have Sky TV, or indeed duvets, will be a sufficient deterrent for potential hooligans to stay on the straight and narrow and not fcuk da p'lice. Anyone seen taunting the Russian anti-terrorism enforcement who will be patrolling (most of whom are more familiar with militant checynans than Terry Christian sounding football supporters), pissing in public, or chanting in an unruly manner, will be sent directly to the tundra, and made to mine salt, with just the sexual attention of 'Igor' for entertainment on the long, long, winter nights. After being given a good kick-in.

"We just want them to come and enjoy the game, the vodka, and the women." said a spokesman for Russian tourism. "Minni Driver's character in Goldeneye was not a caricature!" Insulting Russian women everywhere.


Meanwhile Edwin Van De Saar has been commenting on the literal meaning of English words. "When I first that we were to 'clash' with Chelsea I was puzzled." Said the polylinguist. "For me 'clash' is the sound that saucepans make when they are struck together. That this word should have such diverse usage and connotations is indeed an example of the endless curiosity and beauty of the English language."

Also revealed today was the level of debt enjoyed by Chelsea is over 500 million pounds, the majority of which is in the form of a private, interestless debt, to club chairman Roman Abramovic. Nice. This allows Chelsea to operate at a loss. What was not revealed was that Abramovic and his minions could, technically, use this debt 'owed' to them, to secure more debt themselves. And then use this debt to secure more debt, which in turn could be used to secure more debt, and so forth, all underwritten against his vast personal wealth. Amazing. The scale of his empire, and how it could be used, is devastating. I'd love to see Roman Abramovic take the chair on Martin Lewis' money saving show It Pays To Watch. "yes roman, you have millions in the bank, but do you use a cash back credit card? how much do you pay on energy bills? have you thought of swapping energy provider?" To which Roman could reply "when I pay my energy bills I make myself profit!" Dazzling, baffling, and corrupt, all in one go.