Transfer Deadline Shocks

Kuwaiti House Of Sabah buy Stoke City!

Potter's fans "stunned" and "delighted" at audacious last minute £500 million purchases of Messi, Ronaldinho, Arshavin, and, weirdly, Robert Earnshaw.

Man City's surprise purchase by the Abu Dhabi group also raised a few eyebrows. As did their signing of Robinho for £30 million+. Chelsea's Roman Abramovic is said to be so disappointed at the news, having tried himself to sign Robinho for several fruitless months, he called a disgruntled Peter Kenyon in for an emergency debriefing in his underwater bunker in the Baltic Sea. His finger allegedly hovering over the Pirhanna Pool Trapdoor.

Finally,Islom Karimov the brutal Central Asian Dictator has announced he is retiring from politics and acid bathing his opponents and plans instead to buy out Bill Kenright, the cheerful Evertonian theatre empressario. The blue side of merseyside are said to be "dead chuffed like", as his laundered billions will bolster a team who only just managed to sign a crocked Saha and some Belgian who impressed in one game against Liverpool as the transfer window thankfully slammed shut and became airtight for another few months.

Can you spot the lies from the reality???!!!

David Moyes is widely credited to have

'sown silk purses from sow's ears' at Goodison Park. And while this might be a bit harsh on some talented players- Cahil, Yakubu, and Arteta being some- the overall analysis is accurate. Moyes has proved a canny manager, one of the best, and Everton have kicked above their weight. But for how much longer?

Despite relative success when compared to other premiership teams the closed season has seen a grand total of NO SIGNINGS on the transfer market. Everton are without new faces. Meanwhile Everton warhorses, like Carlsely and Johnson, have moved onto to pastures new. So a threadbare squad, that struggled to deliver when key personnel were missing last year, is now even thinner. Oh dear.

Just what else Moyes can achieve, when the squads around him are strengthening, is open to debate. Take this weekend's result against Blackburn- Everton eventually succumbed to 3-2. It was a good game by all reports. But this is just the sort of game Everton would have won last season, and failing that they would certainly have salvaged a point. Under Moyes' tenure Everton have made a habit of winning tight games, and if a few of these start running against them we could see the Toffees providing backbone to the other half of the table this season.

So new faces at Goodison would inject life and vigour into the squad, create a bit more competition for first team places. And as a unit Everton lack nothing but creativity in the middle of the park. New signings could brings this too. Without fresh faces I fear we could see this ship on the Mersey begin to sink.

What is more, having achieved what he has, if I were David Moyes, and there was not even one new signing by the close of the transfer window- I'd quit. How can any ambitious manager move a club forward without any transfer kitty?

Everton defender Jospeph Yobo's brother has been kidnapped.

in Nigeria. I know very little about this oil rich african state, other than a friend of mine got attacked by ants there, but could the kidnappers be connected to these guys? mend

Avram Grant gave a very terse press conference

last night after his team's 1-0 win over Everton. "Do you have a message for the fans Avram?"

"No message" And everyone waited for him to carry on speaking. But he didn't. There was an awkward silence filled only by the murmuring of journalists and the occasional camera flash.

What he was thinking of course was 'why yes, I have a message. You are a bunch of insufferable cunts with overly demanding expectations. Not all of, but some of you. With your Uncle Avram this, and your Uncle Avram that, and the team are just not playing well enough opinions you overheard or read somewhere. Most of you have never even been to Stamford Bridge. You cunts.'

But he didn't say that. Diplomatically. Wish he had. He may well also think, not without entitlement, that could the fans and the board support him at least until it becomes obvious they will not win a title this year. Chelsea should win a title every year with their resources, but n fairness to Grant they are in the hunt for two, and have made a pretty damn good fist of it in the others.

Abramovic of course is apparently disappointed with Grant, as he was with Mourinho, because the team are just not 'entertaining enough'. May I suggest he abandons football then, which is made exciting only by virtue of the long boring bits in between, which then seem intriguing rather than entertaining, and invest instead in some kind of Circus. Cirque De Soleil perhaps. They are always entertaining. Or get himself to Stringfellows or other greased up pole dancing club. That would surely be entertaining for him.

The flipside of Chelsea's pathetic wealth induced whinging would be Everton. Who are happy now just to be hunting down a UEFA Cup spot having built a team with the fraction of the resources. They regularly fail to 'entertain' but the fans don't let it bother them. This is what fans, and people like me, supporters, do. They support their team. They cheer them on. They want the best of them. And this is tempered by a weird mixture of optimism and realism. And this is it, Chelsea fans (the new Chelsea fans) are not optimistic or realistic. They have had, and have, the best roubles can buy them, and it just ain't good enough. Fuck 'em.

(PLUG: Lee at La Liga Review inspired this article with his comment below- go check out his La Liga Review website and learn something about Spanish football if you ain't already)

The Merseyside Derby:

I am prejudiced. I have been a supporter of Everton since I was six years old. Basically it was a toss up between Man U, who my brother supported, Southampton, who my dad supported, and Everton, who my best friend supported. I went for Everton as I liked the colour blue. And I have stuck with them ever since.

This weekend sees the most important Derby in ages. Win and Everton soar to 4th, and will surely gain the confidence needed to successfully fight for that last Champion's league spot. Lose and Liverpool will surely bed down and make the inevitable march to Europe next season with the other Big 3. Again.

So what we have this weekend is not just Red vs Blue. Certainly not Protestant vs Catholic, that went out of fashion years ago. Instead you have a Well Managed Club with a Proud History, like most of the top flight, vs a Club That Has Been Less Well Managed (Financially) of Late but has enjoyed the cash bonanza and BIG 4 status for a long time. So really it is the BIG 4 vs the Also Rans and the apple cart is all set for an upset. (That last bit is my entry in the worst metaphor of all time competition).

Every neutral should be rooting for Everton this weekend. If only so that those of us who spurn the BIG 4 can start dreaming of the end of an era again. That is if you ever bought that in the first place. If Liverpool win it most likely stays as it is for at least another season, with the rest of scratching round for the scraps and the hope of a good cup run. If Everton get 4th spot, Portsmouth get the FA Cup with Spurs having already secured the Carling Cup we'll have had the most significant season in many a year. C'mon you Blues.

When Southampton left The Dell

and went to the Saint Mary's stadium their home form suffered. The Dell was a claustrophobic little ground and the Saint's fans always made enough noise there to give every home game a Turkish style atmosphere. It was a tough place to go and win. Or a tough place to go "and get a result." So The Dell was known by the media then, somewhat inevitably, as "a fortress". St Mary's, that replaced The Dell, isn't a cramped ground however. It is rather nice and modern by all reports. The problem with nice is that it doesn't naturally bond with other adjectives like imposing, or intimidating, the kind of words you would like to associate with a home ground. If only the architects had considered this and instead of making an airy all-seater they would have wrought the stands from sheer granite, so the home end could hurl down rocks and boiling oil onto the visiting team. Then Saint Mary's could have really been like a fortress. As it was though the pleasant open plan atmosphere lent itself only to a string of poor home defeats for the Saints, in what was their new ground. Cue a stroke of genius from then manager Gordon Strachan. He decided his players were associating the new ground with bad luck, and that they missed The Dell, and called therefore, not for the sports psychologist to help them like you would sensibly expect, but for a Witch. A white witch. An emergency witch. And this white witch blessed the Saint Mary's ground, and blessed the players, and cast away the demons and pixies of bad luck. And while the Saints never did capture the sort of home form they had previously enjoyed at The Dell things did get an awful lot better. The blessing cum exorcism worked.

Right now, having watched two English teams crash out on penalties last night in the UEFA Also Ran's Cup (both having played well against good opponents) I would really like to call on the services of that white witch and ask her to lift another curse. The British Isles are obviously smite by the god of penalties. It certainly seems that way; that it is written in the stars that all clubs hailing from the British Isles will suffer nerves, bad luck, and on form goalies, when it comes to the cruelest and most dramatic of contest conclusions. So could this witch, or any witch, please come and clean the national psyche? Please.

I know many of you will be cynical about this. You do not believe in magic, or voodoo, or hoodoo. But, let me ask you this- was there anyone anywhere in Britain last night, or overseas, watching either Everton or Spurs, who did not think to themselves, "Oh no! Not penalties" when it came to penalties? Of course you thought that. We have been programmed by decades of tears and failure to think just like that. I am sure other nations do not get so excited, in fact I imagine the Germans look forward to it. I just knew what was bound to happen last night from before the first fateful kick. Even then I still had to watch it though- the sense of inevitability looming larger and larger. Multiply this sense of impending doom by all British fans watching and all that negativity has got to have an effect.

So- anyone know any reliable witches or sorcerers please? It is the only solution. If not we, as a nation, are condemned to live forever under the shadow and heartache that is 12 yards.

I have another Mars Bar on offer!

Who can tell me what PSV stands for? With only a passing knowledge of Dutch my best guess errs towards the absurd- Presengangen Skribensbok Vullen. I fear this is wildly incorrect.

Dutch is of course a beautifully silly language, spoken like comedy German. Despite this the Dutch have built one of the most liberal societies on earth. A nation of funny, intelligent, multi-lingual, cool people. With cool sounding names like De Witt and Vint Boomers. Good football teams too. As Spurs learnt last night. I was shocked watching PSV play in the first half, I got bored after that. They played more like a German team, and the only 'dutch style football' came from the two Latinos in the team. That Peruvian Farfan looked pretty tasty too. As the ultimate feeder club, a bit like Spurs are traditionally, although they have taken to buying more recently, I am sure they will sell Farfan for a good profit soon.

Elsewhere in the Also Ran's cup Everton lost to Fiorentina. And I know why. I have sussed Everton out. Let me explain...

Basically Everton are not, in strict terms of quality, a top four side but perversely this works in their favour. they are an organised and passionate unit with enough flair to score good goals, and well briefed by one of the nation's astutest coaches in David Moyes.

When playing top 4 teams other premiership sides see the exercise as damage limitation- with maybe a point, even three, on offer for the bravest and luckiest. Yet when playing Everton the intensity is different- every team will play them thinking 'we can get something here, we can win it, they are not that much better than us.' This plays right into Everton's hands. However, when they play teams who have an eye on damage limitation, as defensive Italian teams nearly always do, Everton struggle. This explains not only Everton's defeat last night, but also their poor cup form, especially against lower league opposition. As soon as teams across the premiership start treating them like they would Liverpool, or Arsenal, and adopt a more defensive attitude towards them- Everton will struggle. Let's hope this doesn't happen anytime soon and that Liverpool implode in the under the pressure of boardroom uncertainty.

OK. that is it. Who wants this Mars Bar?

It is the EuroAll Star Gala again tonight

Arsenal in the San Siro, Celtic in the Nou Camp, and again I consider my mentality towards such games, some would say occasions, as akin to schizophrenia. You see, while I admire Man Utd I hate them at the same time. I hate the way they have dominated throughout the 90s leaving only room for a handful of other UK clubs to win anything. I hate that arse of a faced manager forever chewing gum on the touchline. I hate Ronaldo's swagger, Roonie's withering contempt and latent aggression, and I hate Wes Brown for no reason in particular other than I do not like his name. Yet, having said all that, Man Utd are responsible for some of the most exciting footballing nights in Europe in recent memory. When it comes to Europe its OK to like Man Utd a little bit, and I am secretly glad if they win. Yet, even as I type this, I know I will chortle if they lose. The expression of disbelieving disappointment on Ronaldo's face will be a moment to cherish. Yet, as local vs national tribal loyalties fight against one another for dominance I think to myself, it would be a shame if such an attractive footballing team like Man Utd went out. My football supporting mind is really just a mass of manipulable, and conflicting, emotions. I will cheer (a bit) if they lose, and cheer (a bit) if they win, at the same time. Basically football makes me happy whatever. It is quite unhealthy. Almost something Orwellian. Doublekthink as a psychological tool in the armory of the modern day football fan.

To a certain extent the same is true in the Premiership. Take Bolton playing Liverpool over the weekend for example. Bolton annoy me intensely. I have no connection with the region. I dislike the coach, they play a non to appealing style of football. As they were playing Liverpool, who hover menacingly and unfamiliarly beneath Everton however, I found myself routing for them. Just on a temporary basis. For 90 minutes no more. Even then though I was swept up in the euphoria when Liverpool one the chmpoin's league a season or so back. It wasso damn exciting.

In this way football fans are most of them pragmatists. Able to see the merit in the temporary alliance, or a convenience fuck. The enemy of my enemy is my friend etc. This I guess is what categorizes tribal politics. Like when native Americans fought alongside the english in the US war of independence. Except that was all about survival. Football is not really about anything really. We love it.

Post Cigarette edit: I was watching that Last Man Standing tribe hero rubbish the other night. There were these tribes in the Amazon who had wrestling competitions instead of going to war with each other. I thought to myself well that is like football, only they have formalised the deal and don't actually go to war anymore. Admittedly the structure of the tribe was much less complex than what we are used to in the West but, well, at least they weren't butchering each other for oil. Enough of this though, I digress... and I have work to do.

I am inordinately excited!

Everton Play SPORTKLUBBEN Brann inthe Also Ran's Cup again tonight. Yet, when you compare this to the glamour of Livepool vs Milan, or Celtic vs Barcelona, it kind of fades to Channel 5's normal level of irrelevance. It is perhaps of equal import as Swansea's loss to the MK Dons the other day. OK- maybe a little more important.

I like the MK Dons. They are the only team in league who abbreviate their name to avoid the stigma of being immediately associated with there home town. Sure QPR abbreviate too but that is because the name is a real mouthful. MK stands for Milton Keynes in case you missed it. The dreary suburban hell-hole of ill-repute with a pointy shaped shoppinng centre. I once saw Steve Martin's Father of the Bride in Milton Keynes. This is the most insteresting thing I can tell you about the place. The name is a marketing thing. They reckon they'll pick up more neutrals if they call themselves MK. If they went the whole hog and called themselves Milton Keynes Dons everyone would laugh a them on behalf of the town's dire reputation. The name also serves to induce a kind of amnesia in the Wimbeldon fans who carried on supporting the club after it was famously bought out, and moved, and had its name changed, to widespread derision.

This post feels badly written and insubstantial. Unfinished. Sorry. I have to go now though. Work to do. Coming later a brief history of Milton Keynes and Wimbeldon FC. Bate your breath NOW...

Today's first gag is brought to you courtesy of Frankie Howard

after another customary error from Wigan's Bramble at the weekend gifted Everton their opener. "Ooo Titus, you silly boy. You are a clutz Tightarse." Or words to that effect.

The win lifts Everton into the supposedly elite top four, and puts all the pressure on Merseyside rivals Liverpool who have so far enjoyed a dismal league campaign, by their lofty standards. The force may be with Everton, who have an unsettling unbeaten run in the league. The stats are with Liverpool however, who have two games in hand. One of which against Aston Villa- and no doubt Martin O Neill's men will use this next encounter against one of Europe's best as a yardstick of both their progress and potential. This is the problem with being a good big club like Liverpool (as opposed to a rubbish big club like Newcastle). Other teams really want to beat you. The measure of a top team therefore, rather than just a very good team, or even a lucky and good team, is to finish in the top 4 in consecutive seasons, at least.

Meanwhile Kevin Keegan's Newcastle got off to a start with what will hopefully prove an atypical performance. A 0-0 against a Bolton team who seem to have internalised the concept of quagmire and reproduce it in the form of tactics on the football pitch.

Fulham continue to plummet Championshipwoods with an air of gritty denial. It would be a shame to see them relegated although in my opinion they ain't been the same team since they lost Saha and Boa Morte. I rarely watch Fulham so could be wrong though. I am also somewhat unsure about Ray Hodgson. I doubt not his experience but his class- I know he did great things and is respected across Scandinavia- but then so are Abba.

And finally a question. There is nearly always a team that looks safe at this part of the season but then implodes and falls into the bottom three to fight in the spring survival dogfight. Who will be this year's surprise relegation package then?

Bolton? too obvious. Spurs- not under Ramos and Poyet (they are missing Poyet at Leeds I think), M'brough- could be... Newcastle....

Having said all that it is always a team no-one expects- at all- West Ham then. Although that is crazy talk.

Everton won

A scrappy goal from Cahill (again) saw off the russian champions Zenit St Petersburg. Elsewhere in the Also Ran's Cup Carpathia Dynjastic Molotov drew 0-0 with Thesalonika Majorettes somewhere in Eastern Europe.

Well done Everton, a long cup run is long overdue.

Meanwhile, in the premiership Newcastle staved of the mispalced sacking of Sam Allardyce with a 1-1 draw with Arsenal. Perhaps he will eventually see off the naysayers and prove that there is life away from Bolton for his formula of 'don't give an inch, don't do nothing complicated' style football. The result induced a howl of machiavelian rage from Alan Shearer as he drunk until late in the bar that bears his own name.

Guess the headlines game!

OK- I haven't read the sports' headlines today. I'm guessing though that somewhere you will have something along the lines of Toffees Win Nuremberg Trial. *google searches*.... ah- here we go http://www.liverpooldailypost.co.uk/everton-fc/everton-fc-match-reports/2007/11/09/blues-pass-nurnberg-euro-trialeuro-trial-64375-20083421/ "BLUES WIN NUREMBURG EUROTRAIL EURO TRIAL.

I get 1 point.

To the next round...

My guess for Spurs: Winning in the Holy Juande Land
And Google says: 1474: Accompanying Don Juan de Gusman, Pêro returns to Portugal. .... sees the conquest of Muslim Africa as a means of winning back the Holy Land. ...

Nothing for me there then, so far just the 1 point.

Last go.

My guess for Bolton: Bolt From the Brink
And google says: Bolt on superlens gives microscope nanoscale vision tech 22


As someone who has followed them with morbid fascination this season I was pleased to see Bolton pull out a draw against Bayern Munich. It seems Gary Megson has developed a habit of drawing, which, to put in context, is better than developing a habit of losing, but not as good as developing a habit of winning. And how about that for a bit of original sports' analysis!

At least though I can predict 1 in 3 headlines correctly. That is better than Nostradamus.

Last night

rather than tuck myself up, with the works of Robert Frost, to read about the Triple Godess, the blessed mooncrone, my girlfriend and I watched the National Television Awards instead. The only thing that got read was teletext, when I checked the Carling Cup scores. First, as this is a football blog, let me give you the lowdown in typical News In Brief Style.



...Everton last night scraped through to the last eight of the Carling Cup after a hard fought win over League 1 Luton. Despite making all the running the Toffees were unable to break a down a dogged and determined Luton defence until Tim Cahill, still returning from injury, converted Thomas Gravesen's extra time corner for a late winner. The win ensures Everton will play one of their Premiership rivals in the next round...



Enough of that. If you want more I suggest you head elsewhere. Now, the NTA awards!



The biggest shock of the night was Ant and Dec winning the the Best Presenter Award, despite the fact that they are clearly two people. Surely the award they should have won was the Best Presenters' Award. They obviously enjoy a a relationship of symbiotic dependency to such an extent that they are no longer seen as one person. Their consciousnesses merging into one sentiency, Burroughsesque, the one fading to insignificance without the other. Every time I see Ant and Dec I am unable to forget the image of Duncan from Byker Grove (played by one of them, Dec, I think) being brainwashed by a Tai Chi instructor. Maybe this layed the spiritual groundwork for his later soul convergence with Ant/PJ.



Trevor Mcdonald, hosting the affair, revealed a hitherto concealed lightness of touch. He deserted his sombre catastrophe announing sobriety for an all togehter more open and approachable style . He even gave the audience a cheeky wink at one point, when talking about the news at 10 being back in the New Year. This switch to panache light was a bit disconcerting. Like John Motson suddenly revealing a hidden talent as a childrens' entertainer.



Eastenders won best soap. Their new producer mumbled incoherently in the background to Dot while stumbling around like an overgrown toff. He looked thoroughly flumoxxed by the whole hoo-ha.



...

Back to the football however: teletext reported on Bolton's match by writing "Gary Megson enjoyed his first defeat as Bolton manager" Like he was some kind of maschocist who contrived to lose whenever he could. Looking at this record that would explain a lot.



There was no giant killing in the cup last night, although the Foxes and Luton both came close. But then, even if a smaller club does somehow manage to invert the form book, it is a case of winning the battle and not the war. There are always giants. Not just in football too, in all of life. Any Iraqi can tell you that.

A diverting curry

While I am sure all none Everton fans would be thrilled to read a protracted match report on last night's Also Ran cup I will instead tell you all about the curry I cooked.

It turned out to be a slightly acidic madras/methi. Prepare the sauce as follows:
1/2 tsp of fenugreek seeds
about 10 split cardamon seeds
2 tbsp of madras mild curry powder
2 tbsp of paprika
ginger shavings
a touch of grated nutmeg
1 clove of garlic (could put more)
black pepper
1 chopped onion
1 large sliced carrot
3 chicken thighs
800ml of homemade chicken stock

Quite tasty it was too. I am sure however that curry chefs would snigger at this blatantly amateur effort. But over the course of time the recipe will be corrected and perfected. Any curry tips greatly appreciated.

Meanwhile Everton won 3-1 . The second half was exciting. Anichebe scored. Despite having a tricky foreign sounding name the Channel 5 commentators didn't call him Anchovy this time.

But just how meaningless is the UEFA Also Ran's Cup? (e.g. 3rd round tie: Reykavik Ladies vs Interpunk Bucharest), Yet, while it is regularly jeered and derided I note how few English Teams have won it over recent years, and not for lack of trying either. I recall how some idiots said "look how well Middesbrough are doing in the UEFA, of course Steve Mclaren is ready." If Mclaren could not even lead his team to glory in UEFA how was he ever ready for England? Surely a prequesite for international coaching should be that you must actually have won something, anything, at domestic level (apart from the Carling Cup). Hang on a sec...

Unable to organise my thoughts and say anything meaningfull about meaningless, relative meaningless, or the meanigfulness of meaninglesness, what we'll call the meaningfulality scale, I will instead end this piece with a heavy handed, haphazard, comparison. The UEFA Also Ran's Cup is Brighton Pier to the Champion's League Blackpool Pleasure Beach. The pleasure beach has the highest rollercoaster in Europe you know.

"clattenburg is a c*nt"

David Moyes didn't say. Although he may as well have. I am sure he thought it. And it seems secretly a lot of people think so, hence the sidelining of Clattenburg this weekend. http://football.guardian.co.uk/News_Story/0,,2197244,00.html. This is really the least you could expect because, as far as I know, WWF wrestling manuveures are not permitted in the Premiership, even if they are performed by Jamie Carragher. And two footed challenges should lead to straight reds. Even if you are Dirk Kuyt.
The phrase "Clattenburg is a c*nt" has a nice ring to it too. Granted it is not the most articulate statement ever penned. And it lacks degrees of philosophical depth. But it is aliterate. And it has a certain poignancy.