Liverpool fluke it (again)

Liverpool somehow found a way passed a "courageous" Liege team last night, with Dirk Kuyt providing a very late winner.

This result is really one of the litany of Liverpool last gasp wins/escapes. It seems every season Liverpool conspire to make the results as close as possible. This makes for high drama, and helps explain the clubs appeal beyond the permed confines of Merseyside.

There is a top 10 but because of the constraints of time ie I do this blog while pretending to work- I'm going to concentrate on just three.

Liverpool's Top 3 European Seatedgers:

3) Madrid 0 Liverpool 1.

Alan Kennedy scores in the 82 minute.

2) Deportivo Alaves 4 Liverpool 5

I am so glad I went to the pub to watch this one. I have a prize for anyone who can remember, without googling, who scored the winner.

1) AC Milan 3 Liverpool 3

Liverpool were 3 0 down to a good Milan side at half time, I almost left the pub but stayed to giggle at scouser carnage and shattered dreams. In the canon of greatest comebacks of all time.

At last! some football to speak of

fuck transfer sagas. fuck michael phelps. fuck the south african cricket team. football is back, not that it ever went away.

STEVE MCLAREN 'OUTWITS' WENGER (but loses 2-0)

Steve Mclaren's team got off to a losing start in Europe last night. Despite this they created some good chances, befitting of one of the leading teams in one of Europe's leading football nations. It all went to Mclaren's head, so accustomed had he become to watching lacklustre England displays. When asked in a post match press conference if his teams good performance was evidence that he had outwitted Wenger, he replied that he had. Yes, outwitted him him so thoroughly that he ended up losing 2-0. His rival managers in the dutch league will be hoping he 'outwits' them all season then.

LIVERPOOLS REF SLUSH FUND SEES THEM THROUGH

Liverpool somehow got through an away game with Standard Liege with only a 0-0 scoreline. Having seen a perfectly legitimate goal disallowed the Belgian team then missed a penalty, and had another good chance cleared. Word is that Liverpool were 'lucky'. We may well ask- when was the last time Liverpool were on the receiving end of an 'unlucky' refereeing decision?

Thank fuck that's over.

Way back in the day, when Man U somehow contrived to score not one but two last gasp goals against Bayern Munich there was widespread revellry. Not only had an English team finally won the European Cup again, but we'd beaten the Germans too. A few years later Liverpool somehow overcame a 3-0 half time score to make the comeback of comebacks in possibly the greatest final ever. Even Everton fans were won over by it. Last night's final offered us none of this stirring drama, even if it did manage to be quite exciting none-the-less. Here are the football overdose highlights:

Frank Lampard dedicating another goal to his mother.
Ronaldo tumbling over like an unbalanced chess piece everytime anyone came within tackling distance.
Drogba also tumbling over like an unbalanced chess piece everytime anyone came within tackling distance.
Wayne Rooney, england's great white hope dope, being substituted.
Ronaldo missing a penalty, again.
Hardman John Terry, Chelseaman, missing a penalty and falling over at the same time.
ronaldo sobbing in relief into the turf that his penalty miss wuyld not cost themthe title.
Alex Fergusson's ice cream man suit. Make mine a 99 with hazelnuts and chocolate sauce. (I can't find a pic of this)

But yes, well done Man U, comiserations chelsea and Avram Grant (that will be the last we see of him).

OK- soon to come the fotball oversdose review of the year, and then its the Euros...
Make sure you visit the Onion Bag soon and check out all there Eurotacular material- follow the lnk over there>>>>

They may turn into a gang rapists collective

after a couple of shandies at the Christmas bash. They might attack Chelsea pensioners with clubs after losing in West London. In fact, Alex Ferguson may well have crucified impertinent young journo's upside down for asking obvious, if upsetting, questions, but what the hell- didn't they play well last night. While menacing going forward, especially the relentless porteño Carlos Tevez, the Red Devils harried, hurried, and tackled there way all the way to the final last night where they are bound to play Liverpool. I say bound to. Nothing is certain. But the law of impending cliche dictates that one of the Reds will be victorious in Red Square. Having said that, Chelsea, Russia, Abramovic, has a nice ring to it too. Chelsea are Moscow's second team. If, and it is a big if, Chelsea do win tonight expect lots of tittle tattle speculation pieces, as to the corruptibility of Russian officials, in the build up to the final. Stories will focus on Abramovic's Jewish roots, his incredible wealth, and the historical bias of Russian linesman. So whatever the outcome we are certain to have one or two of the following in the coming weeks.

If Liverpool win- a succession of 'red' cliches and talk of the rekindling of the old rivalry between the two old enemies.

If Chelsea win- Is the final fixed, what is the extent of Abramovic's mysterious power? Could he really influence the final?

Which do you prefer?

One last thing: In 96 Fifa released a football console game. It sported an irritating commentary feature that ensured John Motson would spout the same six phrases randomly throughout each game until you either broke your jopypad in rage or selected COMMENTARY:OFF. David Pleat actually came out with one of these phrases last night. In testimony to his unerringly imbecilic ramblings. "good variation, mixing the short and the long." The twat.

Ronaldo's Penalty Miss- Skill or Fluke?

Here is what Alex Ferguson had to say “There’s no fluke about it, I see him practice them all the time in training” .

And this season's award for most undeserved

equaliser goes to.... drumroll... Chelsea!

What a delicious, cruel, twist of fate to concede a potentially crucial goal, so late on, having relatively easily seen off such lacklustre opposition for 94 minutes. Chelsea somehow dragged out this unmerited draw. And it could well be enough to see them through to the final.

The result is something of a conundrum for Chelsea too. For while they would certainly have settled for 1-1 before the game, they played so poorly last night that none of the pressure will have been lifted on Avram Grant. Indeed, to see such a collection of players defending so deep, and banging so many long balls forward, was bewildering.

It is 'results that count though innit'. And if Chelsea can play so badly against a team as good as Liverpool and still somehow walk away with a draw, then at their peak you are looking at a very dangerous team. Even champions in the waiting. Liverpool are not beaten yet however, and have comeback in Europe from shit thrice deeper than this. So, to coin a phrase which I am sure features elsewhere, it is all poised nicely for the 2nd leg at Stamford Bridge

"Arsenal only have a chance of winning

one competition this year now" said Rafa Benitiez last night. Hoping no doubt to amass a degree of psychological pressure over Arsenal last night. Arsenal are now a bit off the pace in the premiership, and have struggled to find form post Milan, but Benitez forgot one crucial fact. Liverpool only have a chance of winning one competition this year too, havng failed magnaminously in every other competition. So it easy to imagine Wenger giving his comment the old Gallic shrug and muttering "pot-kettle-black" underneath his breath; except in French. then adding "at least we were setting the pace at christmas, and around at Easter in the premiership."

Who will win tonight? God knows. But I doubt God cares. Even if he did he would continue his well practiced habit of non-intervention in the free market. The form book says it will be a draw. And while home advantage favours Liverpool they have been unspectacular at Anfield this season so you can make optimistic predictions for Arsenal too. My advice, consult the oracle to Delphi, or toss a coin. There is that little between the two sides. If, and it is a big if but very possible none the less, it goes to penalties, I favour Arsenal as they have less English players. More than that I could not possibly say.

Man U struggled against Boro over the weekend

And Gareth Southgate should be commended for fielding a team determined not to contain, as is usually the case, but to win. I have not seen an Also Ran start with three up front against Utd for many a year. A decision perhaps made easier for Southgate by the injury inspired (or forced) pairing of O Shea and Wes Brown in defence. While reasonable players who would make the squad of any premiership team, they would struggle to make the first 11 of most, and it is fair to assume that Ferguson invested lots of the transfer kitty to avoid them both playing together in this capacity. I have a theory about defenders, that if you don't notice them for most of the match, they are having a good match. And O Shea and Wes Brown rarely enjoy quiet matches.

All this offers hope for Roma. I would be intensely surprised, but very pleased, to see them start with 3 up front come the second leg. While a full strength Utd would tear through the frailties revealed by this system any team built on the shaky defensive foundation of O Shea-Brown will be susceptible to relentless and sustained attacking play.

The English national team are trying to play more like the Italians. Let's see if an Italian club team will play more like an English club, for one night only. If they do they might just reap the benefits.

Finally a TV inspired gag.

Andrew Lloyd Webber, currently presiding over the BBC's musical talent horror cabaret 'I'll Do Anything' is sat on his throne with a look of ecstasy on his face. Off camera one can hear slurping and sucking noises and it is clear he is being orally pleasured. After an orgasmic exclamation he wriggles back in his throne and says contentedly- "Yes, you could be a Nancy."

The camera pans down to reveal, not one of the eager young actresses, but rather one of the young Olivers. A very able Nancy indeed.

Are English Teams Really The Best In Europe?

On the surface of it, with Liverpool, Arsenal, Man U, and Chelsea all in the the last 8 of the Champions League it would seem so. I beg to differ however. These teams may have purchased overseas commodities to a more successful extent than any other but they are far from greatness. And as we approach the end of the of this decade it is worth noting that English teams have failed to dominate Europe over the last 20 years in the way that they did in decades past. Only Liverpool and Man U have waved the Big Cup aloft and bukkakaeed themselves in winners' champagne of late.

Point Two: These teams are not English. Or put another way, they are not owned by the English. The players are mostly not English. In fact, a more accurate question would be "Are English based teams the best in Europe?" Really the premiership top 4 are like those car firms, still operating on English soil, that everyone still pretends, and imagines, are English.

I don't want to start the jingoistic breast, brow, and drum beating all over again now though. After all- it is the capital I have problems with and not immigration, foreignness, or any other kind of otherness.

Meanwhile it is worth mentioning however that if Cardiff City win the FA Cup they will not be eligible to compete in Europe next year- as they are a Welsh team competing in an English competition. Perhaps Cardiff should temporarily relocate to the other side of the Bristol Channel in order to get round this. A Russian owned team competing from West London are currently among the favourites to lift the trophy though. Funny Old Game.

It is the EuroAll Star Gala again tonight

Arsenal in the San Siro, Celtic in the Nou Camp, and again I consider my mentality towards such games, some would say occasions, as akin to schizophrenia. You see, while I admire Man Utd I hate them at the same time. I hate the way they have dominated throughout the 90s leaving only room for a handful of other UK clubs to win anything. I hate that arse of a faced manager forever chewing gum on the touchline. I hate Ronaldo's swagger, Roonie's withering contempt and latent aggression, and I hate Wes Brown for no reason in particular other than I do not like his name. Yet, having said all that, Man Utd are responsible for some of the most exciting footballing nights in Europe in recent memory. When it comes to Europe its OK to like Man Utd a little bit, and I am secretly glad if they win. Yet, even as I type this, I know I will chortle if they lose. The expression of disbelieving disappointment on Ronaldo's face will be a moment to cherish. Yet, as local vs national tribal loyalties fight against one another for dominance I think to myself, it would be a shame if such an attractive footballing team like Man Utd went out. My football supporting mind is really just a mass of manipulable, and conflicting, emotions. I will cheer (a bit) if they lose, and cheer (a bit) if they win, at the same time. Basically football makes me happy whatever. It is quite unhealthy. Almost something Orwellian. Doublekthink as a psychological tool in the armory of the modern day football fan.

To a certain extent the same is true in the Premiership. Take Bolton playing Liverpool over the weekend for example. Bolton annoy me intensely. I have no connection with the region. I dislike the coach, they play a non to appealing style of football. As they were playing Liverpool, who hover menacingly and unfamiliarly beneath Everton however, I found myself routing for them. Just on a temporary basis. For 90 minutes no more. Even then though I was swept up in the euphoria when Liverpool one the chmpoin's league a season or so back. It wasso damn exciting.

In this way football fans are most of them pragmatists. Able to see the merit in the temporary alliance, or a convenience fuck. The enemy of my enemy is my friend etc. This I guess is what categorizes tribal politics. Like when native Americans fought alongside the english in the US war of independence. Except that was all about survival. Football is not really about anything really. We love it.

Post Cigarette edit: I was watching that Last Man Standing tribe hero rubbish the other night. There were these tribes in the Amazon who had wrestling competitions instead of going to war with each other. I thought to myself well that is like football, only they have formalised the deal and don't actually go to war anymore. Admittedly the structure of the tribe was much less complex than what we are used to in the West but, well, at least they weren't butchering each other for oil. Enough of this though, I digress... and I have work to do.