What my girlfriend makes of England.

As a Uruguyan she knows a thing or two about football. They've won twice as many world cup's as England. She was a supporter of Nacional in Montevideo in her youth, these days she errs towards Everton, in support of me, and Spurs, in support of her countryman Poyet. But fundamentally she is a neutral.

While her opinion is not founded on any real knowledge of the English game it gives a round impression of how the English game is percieved from outside the UK. She has lived in both Spain and Italy and has lots of German friends so has a good idea of how the game is played and thought of across the continent.

What she makes of....

Peter Crouch: Hilarious. Like some strangely skilfull giant ghoul. Good but hilarious.
Wayne Rooney: Cursed to always disappoint for England. 'He'll always do something stupid or angry. you just need to look at him to tell that'.
Gerrard: Actually pretty good. Always looks like he's trying hard at least.
Beckham: A handsome if insufferable cunt. Not as good as everyone thinks he is although he crosses well. "you have him in the team for crosses'. She is mystified by his continued insistence on taking corners as everyone knows he is going to whip it in 'the way he always does'.
English goalkeepers: Rubbish since Seaman. "Seaman was really good, why isn't he playing still? Did he retire?"
Steve Mclaren: "He is the coach?! He looks and speaks badly. How can someone who looks and speaks like that be the coach?" During the match with Croatia she exclained "why does he have that umbrella?!"
Capello: Very good coach. Very bad for England. He will need Italian style players to get his system to work. And that England can't play like that as 'they are England not Italy.' Besides, Italian football is boring to watch.
JO Cole: England's best player. Even if she alwyas forgets his name.
English Coaches: Important. The French or Italians or Germans would NEVER have an English coach. The English might think they are being modern embracing a foreign coach. Everyone else thinks they look like desperate idiots. "Is there really not one good coach in all of England. He might not be the best but he will be better than any Italian. for England."
England as a football club: England are good but they are never going to win anything and are way too nervous. Why are they nervous 'they are England'. She is as mystified as anyone about why they 'nearly always play badly'.

OK- that is that. Next week 'what my cat makes of English Cricket'.

Ugliest Premiership Team

Professional footballers of course get all the luck. Talent, money, fame, and looks (um, actually,no). While the creamiest and most drooled over of our demigods grace the tabloids and glossies, and bag the the best of the B-List, lots of footballers would struggle to pull in a dark night at Ritzies. Or they would if their bank balances were diminished to the levels of us mere mortals.

This was brought to my attention last night while my girlfriend and I watched Man U thrash Sparta Prague. "Rooney is a monster" she gasped. "He looks like a baby troll".

"Ronaldo has a wicked and arrogant look" she said before adding "like the kind of guy you'd avoid on holiday."

"What about Rio Ferdinand?" I asked her.

"He is ugly too. But there could be something noble about him."

"Yeah, he does a lot for the kids. " I told her. Well, he might do, as far as I know. A little something for the kids of Moss Side and Newham.

Gary Neville of course was injured. So we couldn't recoil at him too. Indeed, there is a rolecall of fug-ugliness at Old Trafford. It has grown and become more apparent in the glamour vacuum created post-Beckham. So, if there were a competition for the ugliest team in the premiership, Man Utd would get my vote. You woud not catch me sucking Darren Fletcher's cock. (admitedly it would take an unlikely turn of events for this to enter the realms of desirable possibility, for either party) .

This of course is an opinion piece. Based on nothing more than my girlfriend and I's jabberings during a predictable match on a Tuesday night. I have not done any scientific research into Premeirship asymetry. So, if there is an uglier Premiership side out there, feel free to prove the matter.