When Southampton left The Dell

and went to the Saint Mary's stadium their home form suffered. The Dell was a claustrophobic little ground and the Saint's fans always made enough noise there to give every home game a Turkish style atmosphere. It was a tough place to go and win. Or a tough place to go "and get a result." So The Dell was known by the media then, somewhat inevitably, as "a fortress". St Mary's, that replaced The Dell, isn't a cramped ground however. It is rather nice and modern by all reports. The problem with nice is that it doesn't naturally bond with other adjectives like imposing, or intimidating, the kind of words you would like to associate with a home ground. If only the architects had considered this and instead of making an airy all-seater they would have wrought the stands from sheer granite, so the home end could hurl down rocks and boiling oil onto the visiting team. Then Saint Mary's could have really been like a fortress. As it was though the pleasant open plan atmosphere lent itself only to a string of poor home defeats for the Saints, in what was their new ground. Cue a stroke of genius from then manager Gordon Strachan. He decided his players were associating the new ground with bad luck, and that they missed The Dell, and called therefore, not for the sports psychologist to help them like you would sensibly expect, but for a Witch. A white witch. An emergency witch. And this white witch blessed the Saint Mary's ground, and blessed the players, and cast away the demons and pixies of bad luck. And while the Saints never did capture the sort of home form they had previously enjoyed at The Dell things did get an awful lot better. The blessing cum exorcism worked.

Right now, having watched two English teams crash out on penalties last night in the UEFA Also Ran's Cup (both having played well against good opponents) I would really like to call on the services of that white witch and ask her to lift another curse. The British Isles are obviously smite by the god of penalties. It certainly seems that way; that it is written in the stars that all clubs hailing from the British Isles will suffer nerves, bad luck, and on form goalies, when it comes to the cruelest and most dramatic of contest conclusions. So could this witch, or any witch, please come and clean the national psyche? Please.

I know many of you will be cynical about this. You do not believe in magic, or voodoo, or hoodoo. But, let me ask you this- was there anyone anywhere in Britain last night, or overseas, watching either Everton or Spurs, who did not think to themselves, "Oh no! Not penalties" when it came to penalties? Of course you thought that. We have been programmed by decades of tears and failure to think just like that. I am sure other nations do not get so excited, in fact I imagine the Germans look forward to it. I just knew what was bound to happen last night from before the first fateful kick. Even then I still had to watch it though- the sense of inevitability looming larger and larger. Multiply this sense of impending doom by all British fans watching and all that negativity has got to have an effect.

So- anyone know any reliable witches or sorcerers please? It is the only solution. If not we, as a nation, are condemned to live forever under the shadow and heartache that is 12 yards.

I have another Mars Bar on offer!

Who can tell me what PSV stands for? With only a passing knowledge of Dutch my best guess errs towards the absurd- Presengangen Skribensbok Vullen. I fear this is wildly incorrect.

Dutch is of course a beautifully silly language, spoken like comedy German. Despite this the Dutch have built one of the most liberal societies on earth. A nation of funny, intelligent, multi-lingual, cool people. With cool sounding names like De Witt and Vint Boomers. Good football teams too. As Spurs learnt last night. I was shocked watching PSV play in the first half, I got bored after that. They played more like a German team, and the only 'dutch style football' came from the two Latinos in the team. That Peruvian Farfan looked pretty tasty too. As the ultimate feeder club, a bit like Spurs are traditionally, although they have taken to buying more recently, I am sure they will sell Farfan for a good profit soon.

Elsewhere in the Also Ran's cup Everton lost to Fiorentina. And I know why. I have sussed Everton out. Let me explain...

Basically Everton are not, in strict terms of quality, a top four side but perversely this works in their favour. they are an organised and passionate unit with enough flair to score good goals, and well briefed by one of the nation's astutest coaches in David Moyes.

When playing top 4 teams other premiership sides see the exercise as damage limitation- with maybe a point, even three, on offer for the bravest and luckiest. Yet when playing Everton the intensity is different- every team will play them thinking 'we can get something here, we can win it, they are not that much better than us.' This plays right into Everton's hands. However, when they play teams who have an eye on damage limitation, as defensive Italian teams nearly always do, Everton struggle. This explains not only Everton's defeat last night, but also their poor cup form, especially against lower league opposition. As soon as teams across the premiership start treating them like they would Liverpool, or Arsenal, and adopt a more defensive attitude towards them- Everton will struggle. Let's hope this doesn't happen anytime soon and that Liverpool implode in the under the pressure of boardroom uncertainty.

OK. that is it. Who wants this Mars Bar?

I am inordinately excited!

Everton Play SPORTKLUBBEN Brann inthe Also Ran's Cup again tonight. Yet, when you compare this to the glamour of Livepool vs Milan, or Celtic vs Barcelona, it kind of fades to Channel 5's normal level of irrelevance. It is perhaps of equal import as Swansea's loss to the MK Dons the other day. OK- maybe a little more important.

I like the MK Dons. They are the only team in league who abbreviate their name to avoid the stigma of being immediately associated with there home town. Sure QPR abbreviate too but that is because the name is a real mouthful. MK stands for Milton Keynes in case you missed it. The dreary suburban hell-hole of ill-repute with a pointy shaped shoppinng centre. I once saw Steve Martin's Father of the Bride in Milton Keynes. This is the most insteresting thing I can tell you about the place. The name is a marketing thing. They reckon they'll pick up more neutrals if they call themselves MK. If they went the whole hog and called themselves Milton Keynes Dons everyone would laugh a them on behalf of the town's dire reputation. The name also serves to induce a kind of amnesia in the Wimbeldon fans who carried on supporting the club after it was famously bought out, and moved, and had its name changed, to widespread derision.

This post feels badly written and insubstantial. Unfinished. Sorry. I have to go now though. Work to do. Coming later a brief history of Milton Keynes and Wimbeldon FC. Bate your breath NOW...

Don't you just love google images

a whole world of random visual association.



Before I cut to the chase I just want to say that it has been a busy week. And I don't mean in footballing terms alone. My girlfriend has had numerous hospital appointments. I have been preparing for an inspection at work, all of which means that my time for chatting, blogs, and stickcricket has been reduced to an absolute minimum. The footballing week has not passed by unoticed however.



First of all let us spare a thought for Bryan Robson at Sheffield Utd, retired from his coaching duties at the club. Now that thought is spared I hope you, like me, had a good chortle when you consider the useless soak's dire record. We are left to wonder which board of mugs will acquire his services next. As he continues his relentless and almost admirably tenacious quest for glory, or failing that respectability, in the face of terrible opposition. That opposition mainly constituted in his painstaking lack of managerial guile.



Meanwhile in the European Also Ran's Everton and Spurs did OK. Well, Everton did OK, and Spurs where their unpredciatable selves. Neither of these teams looks good enough to win this most important of second tier trophies. I have a Mars Bar for the first reader who can tell me what the SK stands for in SK Bran. My best guess without research is Sokker#Klub. Bolton did well against Atletico Madrid.



Finally however, google images. I was looking for pictures of Carlos Tevez's dentist. Hoping to find one of the most talented dental surgeons in the world. I typed "la dentadura de Tevez" into google and this is what I got.

Cute. [insert predictable Rooney Tevez Ronaldo gag here]

The inspection is in the early part ofnext week. After which I hope to be back to my post a minute rate of always.