Keegan Interview

In a full and frank interview with Football Is Not My God Football Overdose Kevin Keegan has outlined his plans for the club.

"We are a big club" he said for the 702nd time since taking over last month, despite startling evidence to the contrary. "and we have big ambitions. I mean, we want to get the bandwagon going at fullsteam so even if we were to be halted it would be unstoppable. I mean, I've noticed the boys are a bit flat right now. I'd like to boost their moral. So I've approached Jessica Alba and asked her to do a half time motivation session for us. I've asked her to smother herself with whipped cream and sing Fog On the Tyne Is all Mine in the style of Marylyn Monroe. That would get the boys happy. I'd also like to get Samantha Janus in to give the players a backrub after the match- and Amy Winehouse to sing at halftime for the crowd. We area big club" he repeated again, gratingly "and this is the sort of thing our players deserve."

He stopped for a minute then and looked delusional. (Inset: Alba and Janus- on their way to Newcastle?)

"I'd lke to make some big signings in the summer too. Like the sort that a big club" he reiterated as if to disguise his doubt "should have. We are willing to pay silly money. I'd like to get Thierry Henry ideally. And Raul. I reckon they'd be priviledged to give up the chance to play in the Champions' League and come and play for a big club" he emphasised "like Newcastle. Not only would we pay them more than anyone would expect, but they could laugh at the girls queueing outside the clubs in the rain and cold in nothing but a boob tube and a miniskirt on a Saturday. I mean, for me, Newcastle is as good and BIG a city as Barcelona or Madrid, or anywhere. That is what the people from here just don't understand."

(Inset: Henry- On his way to Newcastle?)