Did anyone else see the olympic send off?

Johnson: How much is this going to cost?


Boris Johnson revelling in the great folding and unfurling of the ceremonial Olympic tablecloth. Ken Livingstone must have been shitting blood as he hissed to himself "it should have been me there!".

Oddly enough Britain chose to transport the Olympic message onwards towards London in the form of The Last (and only) Red Convertible Routemaster bus. A strange red contraption with legendary handling, and a roof that peels back to reveal none other than David Beckham and Jimmy Page on demand, as well as weird plastic models of famous British landmarks. The only thing missing was a miniature Stonehenge and dancing midgets. It predictably arrived late into the Birds Nest stadium, much to the consternation of the awaiting all-singing all-dancing Big Issue vendors with umbrellas,(assembled especially for the occasion by none other than Sebastian Coe) who, in the style of contemporary dance, rushed to enter all at once only to discover the doors had jammed. "Can you move down please". They then prostrated themselves on the walls of the vehicle, and enacted some Bosch like rite as Bejing moshed to the strains of Whole Lotta Love. Surreal does not even begin to cover it. Shite is not sufficient either. 'Best of British' probably has it cornered.

Anyway, as he waved folded, and unfurled, the ceremonial Olympic tablecloth you could see Boris' horrible doll like shark eyes calculating. "How much is this going to cost?", and he forced a false smile, before being lost once again in the magic of the moment. Roll on 2012.

What my girlfriend makes of England.

As a Uruguyan she knows a thing or two about football. They've won twice as many world cup's as England. She was a supporter of Nacional in Montevideo in her youth, these days she errs towards Everton, in support of me, and Spurs, in support of her countryman Poyet. But fundamentally she is a neutral.

While her opinion is not founded on any real knowledge of the English game it gives a round impression of how the English game is percieved from outside the UK. She has lived in both Spain and Italy and has lots of German friends so has a good idea of how the game is played and thought of across the continent.

What she makes of....

Peter Crouch: Hilarious. Like some strangely skilfull giant ghoul. Good but hilarious.
Wayne Rooney: Cursed to always disappoint for England. 'He'll always do something stupid or angry. you just need to look at him to tell that'.
Gerrard: Actually pretty good. Always looks like he's trying hard at least.
Beckham: A handsome if insufferable cunt. Not as good as everyone thinks he is although he crosses well. "you have him in the team for crosses'. She is mystified by his continued insistence on taking corners as everyone knows he is going to whip it in 'the way he always does'.
English goalkeepers: Rubbish since Seaman. "Seaman was really good, why isn't he playing still? Did he retire?"
Steve Mclaren: "He is the coach?! He looks and speaks badly. How can someone who looks and speaks like that be the coach?" During the match with Croatia she exclained "why does he have that umbrella?!"
Capello: Very good coach. Very bad for England. He will need Italian style players to get his system to work. And that England can't play like that as 'they are England not Italy.' Besides, Italian football is boring to watch.
JO Cole: England's best player. Even if she alwyas forgets his name.
English Coaches: Important. The French or Italians or Germans would NEVER have an English coach. The English might think they are being modern embracing a foreign coach. Everyone else thinks they look like desperate idiots. "Is there really not one good coach in all of England. He might not be the best but he will be better than any Italian. for England."
England as a football club: England are good but they are never going to win anything and are way too nervous. Why are they nervous 'they are England'. She is as mystified as anyone about why they 'nearly always play badly'.

OK- that is that. Next week 'what my cat makes of English Cricket'.

A week of headines.

BECKHAM WOULD LIKE HIS 100TH CAP
BECKHAM IN SQUAD TO GET 100TH CAP
BECKHAM WOULD REALLY LIKE 100TH CAP
BECKHAM LIKELY TO GET 100TH CAP
BECKHAM DEFINTELY WILL GET 100TH CAP
BECKHAM PLEASED THAT HE WILL GET HIS 100TH CAP
BECKHAM SAYS HE WILL NOT STOP AFTER 100TH CAP
100TH CAP IS GREAT HONOUR SAYS BECKHAM

As you may have gathered England midfielder David Beckham will get his 100th cap tonight against France. He has also said that he is targeting Peter Shilton's record for most England caps, carefully ignoring the fact that Shilton played in goal and only played on so long because being in goal means you don't have to run around much.

Aside from Beckham getting his 100th cap a massive piece of Antarctica melted unexpectedly, over 40 Iraqis died in violence, a Shia rebellion has started in Iraq (not along now until the media start calling them 'Shi'iites' again), Gordon Brown announced actually not insignificant constitutional reform, and, most important of all, England won the cricket.

Fabio Capello still shows no signs at all of having mastered English.

EDIT: and how could I forget, having sat through about 115 reminders in the 10mins that I watched BBC Breakfast today. The Apprentice starts again tonight. Let the weeks of greed, fuckwittery, and shaftery commence- as the nation ponders who, apart from Alan Sugar, they would least like to be stuck in the same room as.

Alan Sugar is most famous of course, as far as football goes, for once owning Spurs, and for his acrimonious partnership with Terry "half a pound of apricots, only ahhh tuppence" Venables.

the arch-angel beckham davidino, wow

a beautiful picture. Even though it won't get me wearing designer white brief pants. Let me explain. I don't spend too much money on things like underwear and I imagine Armani won't come cheap. Briefs are uncomfortable. I feel all sweaty and achy after an hour or two stiched into them. Also, white is just not practical.

Culturally this is quite an intersting image. Not so much in itself- it is just a bloke in well fitted underwear. But that it made the front page of The Sun, with the headline SwollenBalls. This is the first time in my memory that a semi naked man has been on the front cover of a tabloid, as far as I remember. Admittedly though I am not a regular reader of the tabloids so I could well be wrong. It all goes to show the increase in the cult of male beauty.

A little bit on the semanology (or should that be semenology) of white underwear too. White makes us look pure and divine at the same time. So basically it makes you gives off a classical virginal aura, which works against the carnal temptation of the flesh. A saucy juxtaposition. But this kind of unbridled encouragement of male lust is quite a new thing in dominant popular culture. It is usually pushed back in an effort to repress homosexuality, and keep women in their place. Heterosexuality is widely applauded though, and jeered on with photos of nude women at all angles. And as feminists have been saying for years it encourages the objectification and commodification of the body. As this trend develops expect more young men to have surgery and take steroids.

I'm not going to pontificate further on this. As I don't really care. Also because, as I read somewhere else, media analysis is the most pointless passtime in the world, save knitting.

Meanwhile, thanks to throughball for this, buy some of Beckham's half eaten food. http://www.trademe.co.nz/Antiques-collectables/Food-drink/Other/auction-130249060.htm