Ronaldo and 104 nurses:

According to recent press reports Man Utd are willing to sell Ronaldo for £75 million pounds. To but this into context £75, or a cheap new telly, is 0.0001% of £75million. Put another way £75 x 2=£150 which is roughly the pre-tax monthlysalary of a nurse in Argentina, if that nurse works in a public hospital. So Ronaldo's value as a raw footballing commodity is worth 50,000 months of labour of a fully qualified nurse. Considering that nurses work maybe for 480 months over a lifetime Ronaldo is valued at 104 nurses working for their entire working lives-before he even kicks a ball for Real Madrid.

I shall honourably leave you all to deduce your own moral or political conclusions from all this, that is if I have got my math more or less right.

[insert naughty nurse picture here]

Ugliest Premiership Team

Professional footballers of course get all the luck. Talent, money, fame, and looks (um, actually,no). While the creamiest and most drooled over of our demigods grace the tabloids and glossies, and bag the the best of the B-List, lots of footballers would struggle to pull in a dark night at Ritzies. Or they would if their bank balances were diminished to the levels of us mere mortals.

This was brought to my attention last night while my girlfriend and I watched Man U thrash Sparta Prague. "Rooney is a monster" she gasped. "He looks like a baby troll".

"Ronaldo has a wicked and arrogant look" she said before adding "like the kind of guy you'd avoid on holiday."

"What about Rio Ferdinand?" I asked her.

"He is ugly too. But there could be something noble about him."

"Yeah, he does a lot for the kids. " I told her. Well, he might do, as far as I know. A little something for the kids of Moss Side and Newham.

Gary Neville of course was injured. So we couldn't recoil at him too. Indeed, there is a rolecall of fug-ugliness at Old Trafford. It has grown and become more apparent in the glamour vacuum created post-Beckham. So, if there were a competition for the ugliest team in the premiership, Man Utd would get my vote. You woud not catch me sucking Darren Fletcher's cock. (admitedly it would take an unlikely turn of events for this to enter the realms of desirable possibility, for either party) .

This of course is an opinion piece. Based on nothing more than my girlfriend and I's jabberings during a predictable match on a Tuesday night. I have not done any scientific research into Premeirship asymetry. So, if there is an uglier Premiership side out there, feel free to prove the matter.